I and Thou

The name of this blog post comes from a book by Martin Buber. In his writings he discusses the general theme of relationship among I, you, and it. Full disclosure - I have yet to finish the book, as it takes a decent amount of brain power to read only a couple of pages. However, this title brings me to my next topic, relationship. More specifically, in this blog post, I am looking at how the more aware you are of your own self, the better able you are to truly see people. When you understand in what ways your looking glass is shaping your view, you are able to see reality.

I was inspired to write this a number of years ago, as I started my own journey of differentiation and discernment in my relationships with others. I guess this truly started, as it does for all of us, at birth. That first emergence into something other than “I,” was the beginning of my relationship with other. You can argue that the first “other” I was in relationship with was my mother, while in the womb, and I would agree. However, I imagine, to a prenatal baby, they are as much a part of the mother as the mother is a part of them. There is a lot to mention here about what happens before, during, and after birth: Attachment theory, biological development, parenting styles, etc. that all influence how we relate to others later in life. Alas, I am not looking to write a book on all of relation, at least not yet. Here, I am focused on the ability to honestly and truly see oneself, and in turn, truly see another.

Perspective:

I believe the first step in being able to see people for who they truly are, you first must turn your spotlight inward. We all have different views of the world, and I mean that quite literally. There is no one in this universe that occupies the same exact coordinates of physical reality as you. No one. Your perspective is the most unique thing about you, but how much do you really know about it? In terms of your psychological perspective, it has been shaped by the sum of your life events up until this very moment. What events led you to being right here, reading these exact words at this exact time? All of those events, your parents, your zip code, your friends, teachers, environment, the food you eat, all led you to see the world as you do now. Imagine, we all see the world through our own, unique pair of glasses. Throughout our lives, these glasses may get scratched, smudged, or even change color from too much exposure to the sun. All of these life experiences then change what we see. There are some scratches or smudges that started a long time ago, perhaps as far back as your ancestors, which are still impacting your view. The trick is to recognize the smudges and scratches as such, and not as objective reality.

The ability I’m talking about is tied greatly to mindfulness, being aware of yourself and holding a space to step out of your own perspective, looking as an observer and not fully identifying with your usual point in space. This does not mean that you should be giving up your perspective for another’s. It is simply a way to see with clearer glasses. Next time you notice yourself getting into an argument remind yourself to step away from your lenses, still holding them, just looking from a different vantage point. It’s the ability to separate the argument from your personhood. This can be easier said than done, so let’s start with a specific exercise.

Much of the exercise I’m about to walk you through comes from a shamanic therapist who guided me through the process of meeting my “little ones,” as she calls them. I want to make it clear, that this is NOT a substitute for therapy or shamanic tradition. This is a visualization that I came up with while in my own process. If you are interested in a more shamanic view, I highly suggest finding someone who can teach you more about shamanic traditions and the various rituals and exercises that are a part of a shamanic worldview.

Play a game. Close your eyes and take five deep breaths, staying aware of the specific qualities of the in-breath, and the out-breath. With your eyes still closed, notice where your energy goes. Is it wrapped up in an argument you had with your boss? Is it focused on the excitement of a chance encounter with a future partner? Or maybe it’s just tired from a long day? It’s possible all of these are alive at the same time. Just notice where your attention is drawn.

At this point, I used to try and rationalize why I felt the way I did, tried to “figure it out.” I told myself I shouldn’t feel it if it was a “negative” feeling. Instead of this, try accepting the feeling as a part of your experience. Hold it with the care a mother would hold her newborn. The intention you hold it with is that of simply being; not trying to change it or figure it out. That’s it. Just be with this aspect of yourself, even if it is an uncomfortable one. Notice your own response to being with this feeling or sensation - maybe you want to run away, distract yourself from it, or maybe you feel curious about where this feeling is coming from.

I like to visualize this by picturing a big kitchen table, with your favorite foods prepared in the middle. Before you sit down, invite all of those aspects of yourself that you felt earlier to the table, especially the more “negative” ones. Notice how you react to them being there. Do you want to push them away? Hide them? Yell at them? Try listening to one of them, treating them like you would a neglected child. Then, if you genuinely feel like it, invite them to eat with you.

Your being-ness with these aspects of yourself is like flipping a switch that allows the stagnant energy to be released. I like to view these various aspects as small children, each just looking to be seen and heard. Once you truly hear them, they relax into themselves and start working with you, showing you new and creative ways forward.

In this exercise, you are building a relationship with these parts of yourself. A relationship that is important to cultivate, just as you would with a new friend. Like all relationships, this one isn’t just something that happens from one interaction. It takes time to fully hear one another. In the end, a sense of appreciation and love for these more difficult aspects of ourselves begins to grow.

After doing this for a time, notice any changes in your day-to-day life. Perhaps you start seeing your interactions a little differently. Maybe you can even start to see another’s ignored aspects rearing their heads, shouting to be heard. When you have a relationship with these parts of yourself, it’s easier to hear others’ inner-ones, just beneath the surface.

Take time to listen. Give yourself a space to sit down and be present with all aspects of your experience. Each one is important and has it’s own lesson. In giving yourself this time, you are also giving it to everyone you interact with throughout your day.

May you deeply listen and be deeply heard.